I wanted to start blogging about my life dealing with miscarriage. I hope to gain two things from blogging. One, I want to be able to help other women/men that might be dealing with miscarriage in their lives also. Two, I want to use blogging as a coping tactic for dealing with miscarriage myself.
I have had four pregnancy losses in 5 years. I will start with the beginning, and talk about my experiences over several blogs.
When I was around 14 years old I was set on never having kids when I grew up. Then, at 16 years old, I was set on wanting to become the CEO of a major corporation in NYC. I didn't want to get married, and I still never wanted to have children. My plans change when I met a boy that I work with at Dairy Queen. We started dating when I was 17, and we got married a couple of months after my high school graduation at 18. I started taking a few classes in college, because I still wanted to become something big.
MISCARRIAGE #1:
In April of 2005 was when I had my first miscarriage. My husband and I were not trying to get pregnant, nor were we doing anything to prevent it. My monthly cycles had been messed up every month since they had started. So it wasn't so uncommon for me to be two weeks late. The only reason I took a pregnancy test was because one of my friends told me I was being crabby. I had noticed that I had been more irritable than normal. One night, on my way home from work, I had a sudden thought—I'm pregnant!! It was the strangest feeling. A feeling that I just KNEW I was pregnant. I still remember exactly where I was when this thought occurred. I was stopped at a red light in front of a Taco Bell, in the small town I lived in.
I got a pregnancy test, and took it later that night. I stared at the test, and within seconds it was positive. You never forget the feelings, thoughts, or the feeling of you heart pounding when you see that the test is positive. I was 19 years old, and both scared and excited. I had so many questions, thoughts, and feelings soaring through my head. I guess I was in shock and denial, because I immediately took a second test. It too came out positive.
The next day I was excited to tell EVERYONE the good but scary news. I was also so stressed, because we had new insurance. I didn't know how insurance worked. I didn't have a girly doctor that I saw regularly. I knew I needed to find one. So I searched through the doctor directory we received when we enrolled in our insurance plan. I was freaking out because I didn't really understand how to search for a doctor using it. So I called the number for customer service on the back of my insurance card. The customer service rep told me there were no OB/GYN in my area that accepted my insurance. !!!???What!!!??? I broke down and cried. What the H was I supposed to do?
Later, that night at work I went to the restroom and I was bleeding. I was the manager at the store I worked at, so I had to leave a crew member in charge. I left called the ER and spoke with a very kind doctor that was on call that night. He told me to lay down and elevate my legs, and to try a get rest. Since, I had not seen any doctor yet about my pregnancy he told me to come into his office the next morning. All night I passed huge clots of blood. It was so gross, and reminded me of chopped liver.
The next morning I went to this doctor, not knowing if they even took my insurance or not. Fortunately, they did take it and they got me right in to see the doctor. The test at the doctor's office came out positive, but when they did an ultrasound they could not find a viable pregnancy. I had already passed the baby.
I only knew that I was pregnant for a little over a day. Some people may not understand why it was so hard for me to deal with it knowing I was pregnant for only one day, but I think a lot of it was the emotional ups and downs that happen in such a short amount of time. All of the emotions that came with finding out. Then, the freaking out emotions withing the insurance issue. The worst of all having the rug pulled out from under me knowing it was all gone. The doctors didn't test me to see what had happened with the pregnancy. Miscarriage is somewhat common from what I have read and what doctors have told me. About 25% of diagnosed pregnancies end in miscarriage. While, it is thought that over 50% of conception end in miscarriage. In other words, many women conceive but lose the pregnancy before they know they are pregnant. I'm not 100% sure on the statistics, but regardless the statistics don't make coping with a pregnancy loss any easier.
